The Emerging Man Chronicles : Depression 1Depression Described: It's Real

The path of my life.

To me it seemed just that. A path, in the woods, a small and narrow way with bends, low hanging limbs, raspberry thorns and confusing snowmobile trail signs.

I never really was aware of it until I came to know God. Through his Son Jesus. And being taught by the Holy Spirit leading me through the Word.

One of my afflictions throughout life has been depression.

It is a common malady, so common that some people toss it, and the people who claim to have it, aside with either a wrinkled up nose of distaste or a flippant “just get some happy pill’s” remark. It makes the afflicted one even more conflicted about who they are and what is happening to them.

Let me say right now being afflicted with depression is no joke.

My depression was of the constant variety, hidden during the day but would lash out at me at night especially after the age of thirteen when I started using alcohol.

Now alcohol is quite the liar. Yes you can have fun with it. But sooner or later his true colors will come out. So when I found, at first, that alcohol would help hide my depression by allowing me to be the wild kid, the fun kid, the life of the party, the do anything crazy kid, well I rode that bus to and through every stop. And it worked, for awhile.

But the inevitable occurred. I fell for the lie that I could handle it and from the very first time I consumed alcohol I was lost to it.

So then my depression became a part of me. Through my whole life. It stalked me and grabbed me from my path continually.

Through middle school. Through high school. I got married, had kids. And still I could not shake it. No matter what I did. I took the happy pills, nothin. I tried to be successful, nothin. I tried to just ignore it, nothin. And at certain times it created such a pain so deep within me all I could think to do was to kill myself. 

Suicide. The first time that I seriously considered it I was eighteen or nineteen. I had been out very late drinking with my buddies and when we were done I stayed on the road and headed for my girlfriends apartment.

My depression wouldn’t hit me all at once. It was a gradual thought process that would just slowly spiral down into the dark pit created in my stomach. All the guilt, pain, loss and discouragement in my life would froth up like the angry foam of a poorly poured beer.

And like so much foam would just be poured out… onto my very soul.

So there I was on the highway at 4:30 a.m. and it started. I was about ten minutes away from my girlfriends apartment and the highway was devoid of traffic when the voice started. It would be in my head telling me how everything would be better if I was just gone, “Just do it.” So I started thinking about semi trucks and how the driver usually isn’t hurt in a crash. I figured the next truck coming at me would be the one. And there was absolutely no traffic on the highway.

Then there it was, a lone semi heading my way.

Just him and me.

I became concerned for the driver so I figured instead of a head on collision I would just aim for his trailer tires.

Getting closer now, “yep that’ll work”, I thought to myself.